Lars Ulrich claws his way into the Upside Down to charge Eddie Munson 17 cents in royalties

author avatar by 5 months ago

Playing his music to try and save lives in an alternate hell-dimension is not covered by fair use provisions, Lars Ulrich has insisted today.

Ulrich, who appeared from a rift in spacetime which he’d torn open with his own hands shortly after Munson started shredding the opening chords to Master of Puppets, demanding he stop playing until he’d signed a copyright form and handed over 17 cents in performance fees.

Ignoring a rapidly descending cloud of vampire demon-bats, Ulrich went on to produce a 47-page document outlining terms and conditions and insisted Munson read it in full, annotate where appropriate, and sign several waivers agreeing to the terms before continuing.

“It’s important that performing rights are respected when playing live music to an audience,” Ulrich told Munson, indicating the hysterical Dustin Henderson, who was begging for Eddie to play ‘before it was too late’.

“That kid is an audience – and I’m being generous because I’m not counting the swarm of soul-devouring monstrosities surrounding us because that would increase the fee from small to large venue if I did, so really you should be grateful.

“So if you’d just read this, and then sign here, here, here, here, here, here, and here, and dab a drop of your own blood here and here, I can let you kids get back to doing what kids do best without interference.

“You’ll never even know I was here.”

When asked, Vecna said that he may be an interdimensional monster, but even he knows you should sit down when playing the drums.