Sajid Javid to be humanely destroyed after falling badly at first fence in Tory leadership race

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Former Health Secretary Sajid Javid is to be put down after falling badly in the 2022 from Westminster.

Two runners, Javid and someone called Rehman Chishti (no, we’ve no idea either) have fallen at the first hurdle and will now be exterminated in line with long-established Tory Party rules.

Political analyst Simon Williams explained the process in more detail.

He told us, “Whenever a Conservative leadership candidate takes a nasty fall, regulations dictate that they’re destroyed in a humane manner.

“Humane, that is, per the Tory definition which means they’ll be shot in the gut and left to bleed out in agony over the next few days or so.

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“Rules on mercy killings have actually been tightened up after the practice of candidate hunting – where failed contenders were chased by hounds through the countryside before being torn limb from limb – was deemed illegal.”

Mr Williams was disappointed but unsurprised to see the favourite Rishi Sunak leading the pack by several clear lengths.

“His method of racing is unorthodox, to say the least. Paying someone to lift him over the fences or running around them without even attempting to jump and then insisting afterwards he cleared them all with balletic grace.

“Some might call this cheating but winning races based on a tissue of lies is just the sort of gamesmanship the Tories absolutely love.”

So is Rishi now unstoppable?

“Well he’s got a couple of promising fillies on his tail,” said Simon.

“Plus he’s got the extra weight of his partygate fine and his missus being a Non-Dom for so long which could slow him down in the final furlong. It’s not over yet!”