‘We thought Leeds was in Manchester’ admits government

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The government has defended its decision to scrap the East Midlands to Leeds HS2 rail link today after admitting that they actually thought Leeds was in Manchester when the initial plans were agreed.

With news emerging this morning that the high-speed rail line will not now go to Leeds, senior government ministers have apologised, claiming it would never have agreed to the deal in the first place if it knew that Leeds was actually not in Manchester.

Defending the decision earlier Grant Shapps revealed, “Yes it’s a bit embarrassing really. And you’re all quite sure it’s not in Manchester?

“I mean obviously we want to make it look like we give the slightest shit about the north, and that’s why we said we would give you a train line.

“But we didn’t expect it to have to go all over the place, and cost us a bloody fortune, with money we could spend down south.

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“We just thought Leeds was in Manchester and that way we would kill two birds with one stone and say it was going to two places, to keep all those stupid northerners happy.

“Obviously Liverpool and Sheffield are already next to each other so they don’t need any money, and I don’t think there are any more cities up there from what I hear, I’m fucked if I’m going near the place.”

Asked to comment on the move, local resident Simon Williams from Leeds told us, “Disgusting. We have been betrayed once again by this government who have proved they are not fit to lead a country.

“I’m so annoyed I’m only prepared to give them one more chance at the next general election.”