Nadine Dorries tweets that she will “rip out the eyes of any f*cker who opposes the Online Safety Bill”

author avatar by 2 years ago

In a now-deleted Tweet, the Culture Secretary and famous connoisseur of exotic delicacies said that online bullying had reached epidemic proportions and that any journalist mocking her attempts to curb it would be “shot then skullfucked with a rusty trowel.”

Simon Williams, a spokesman for Nadine Dorries, explained that the minister was so personally committed to ending online abuse she occasionally posted things that looked like she was threatening the children of people who criticise her policies.

“Nadine Dorries knows better than any politician what abuse looks like, except perhaps for Priti Patel.

“She is constantly deluged by utterly vile social media posts, mainly in the form of screenshots of her deleted tweets, so she knows a thing or two about online harassment. That is why she made a moving speech defending her proposed laws and using poetic imagery about finding where her detractors live and burning them alive while they sleep.

“Just a few days ago, she was subjected to disgusting language by none other than a fellow MP who was reading some horrible text she’d written attacking James O’Brien.

“So naturally, Nadine is taking steps to criminalise any insults made by people who are not conservative party members or racist brexiter nutjobs who she can’t spend too much time with because the donors don’t like that sort of thing.”

From now on, it will be a jailable offence to call ministers clueless chancers, fame-hungry media whores or pathetic cosmetic surgery addicts that end up looking like a Bet Lynch blow-up doll that was hurriedly stashed behind the heater and forgotten about all winter.”