Sir David Attenborough finally ready to retire after seeing every living species have a shag

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After a lifetime of observing the mating rituals of various birds and animals across the planet, Sir David Attenborough is now ready to hang up the binoculars.

Over a career that has spanned seventy years, the national treasure has travelled the globe, giving viewers of his incredible programmes a rare and jaw-dropping insight into the wonders of the natural world, and more footage of animals getting it on than you could shake a cock at.

“I set out to see the natural world and oh boy have I seen it all. Possibly a bit too much, actually,” the greatest living Briton told us this morning, a somewhat haunted look in his eyes.

“I’ve seen everything from howler monkeys grinding away in the treetops of Paraguay, delicate little lovebirds in Madagascar rutting away like there’s no tomorrow, to hedgehogs carefully navigating coitus in a back garden in Croydon.”

He went on, “There’s not a species alive that I haven’t observed from a distance as they find a mate and surrender to their animal instincts, so my work here is finally done.

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“Also, when I close my eyes at night all I can see is the writhing, sweating flesh of all manner of ungodly creatures, their grunts of loveless dominance forever seared into my memory, so it’s probably time to call it a day.”

Simon Williams, the head of programming at the BBC, denied that Sir David’s shows like ‘The Mating Game’ are just about sex.

“We don’t just show animals mating,” he told us.

“As a sort of palate cleanser, we often show them dying in godless agony, too.”

What would Attenborough do? Get the T-shirt!