Thursday 14 October 2021 by Chris Ballard

Telling your kids they’ve been naughty this year, and other easy ways to deal with Christmas shortages


How to survive Christmas shortages for the family

Brits have been warned that their traditional Christmas is under threat due to severe supply chain issues across the globe. But worry not – there are several ways to deal with the situation.

Christmas is in peril!

Lorry driver shortages have left tons of plastic tat stuck in shipping containers – ARGH!

Because of the petrol crisis, you won’t be able to visit your in-laws – NOOOO!

A lack of cheap labour means there’s nobody to sew up Brazil nuts inside their shells – OMG!

Here are some ways you can deal with the worst Christmas since last year:

1. Tell the children they’ve been naughty

Every year you attempt to control your children’s behaviour by saying ‘Santa’s watching!’ and then buying them loads of shit anyway. This is your big chance to finally make good on the threat!

Put your children on the naughty list and watch their little hearts break at the total absence of presents under the tree. If you can get hold of some brandy and a mince pie, put them out on Christmas Eve only for them to be completely untouched the following morning!

2. Just buy a large tin of Quality Street

When you boil down the festive season to its very essence, it’s basically just binging on fairly generic chocolates while watching telly.

Quality Street are like the cockroaches of the food supply chain – even in an apocalyptic scenario, there’ll still be plenty of tins available in three for two offers.

So stock up and your Christmas will basically be completely normal, just a bit colder than usual because you can’t afford your gas bill.

3. Convert to Islam

Sack the whole thing off by having a completely different religion. You can always convert back to secular capitalism next year if Christmas puddings are back in the shops.

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