Matt Hancock’s new UN office being covered in rubber sheeting

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The former Health Secretary has been given a new role with the UN, which means there’s a new office that needs to be protected from his bodily fluids.

Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach; those who can’t teach, teach PE; those who can’t teach PE, become Health Secretary; those who can’t be Health Secretary, go and work for the United Nations.

And so it is that Matt Hancock, the man who oversaw the UK’s worst-ever public health failure, finds himself in a UN office.

“I’m sure Mr Hancock will be as good at international affairs as he was at domestic affairs,” said UN Facilities Manager Simon Williams. “I just don’t want him shooting his adultery all over my building.

“I’m mainly concerned about the carpet – semen stains are a devil to get out.

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“There’s a guy I can call – used to do underneath Bill Clinton’s desk, absolute wizard he is – but he’s pricey.

“So I’m just putting rubber sheeting down and hoping for the best.

“We’ve obviously removed the CCTV from his office – nobody needs to see that sort of thing, and the UN simply doesn’t have the budget to fund therapy for all its staff.

“And what we’ll probably do is turn on his sprinkler every twenty minutes – a bit of cold water should stop him getting too randy.”

Matt Hancock says that there’s no need for Simon to worry.

“If people in my position didn’t learn from their mistakes then we wouldn’t be fit to lead or govern,” he said. “So no more office hanky panky for me!

“From now on I’ll be limiting my shagging to lifts, toilets and stationery cupboards.”