Monday 7 September 2020 by Arabin Patson

The only respectable way to muzzle the press is to have journalists beaten up, insists Boris Johnson

Boris threatening reporters

The Prime Minister has condemned activist group Extinction Rebellion for trying to stop the work of British journalists with peaceful sit-ins instead of the traditional methods of grabbing mobile phones, hiding in fridges and assaulting reporters in their homes.

Although he isn’t allowed to talk to journalists, the prime minister did get Dominic Cumming’s exceptional permission for a Downing Street press spokesperson, Simon Williams, to talk to the press.

He told reporters, “As someone who was always on the Daily Telegraph’s payroll even when he had important government jobs, Boris understands how important it is for the great British public to get their newspapers.

“An attack on openly partisan publications owned by secretive offshore billionaires is an attack on democracy.

“He believes a vigorous and rambunctious press is vital to deliver key information to voters like the housing arrangements of half a dozen refugees, what a teenage singer looks like in a bikini and truthful stories about the EU making jokes illegal.

“Blocking the print factories of newspapers with easily accessed websites is nothing more than fascist bully tactics. If these hippies want to stop certain stories then they should do the decent thing and run away from reporters or try to find their home address so that decent chaps who went to Eton can pay thugs to threaten to break their legs.”

Mr Williams said that, in view of the horrific 4-hour delay in getting newspapers delivered at the weekend, the prime minister was considering legislation to criminalise making Rupert Murdoch sad.

“The PM is a classical liberal and one who sees freedom of expression as paramount. That is why are looking at using anti-terrorist legislation against teenage vegans whose biggest coup was making people late to work by a couple of hours.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the best-selling T-shirt here!

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