Wednesday 12 August 2020 by Mark Molloy

UK students promised fair exam results by government, and years of unemployment


sutdents promised good results and terrible prospects

A-level students have been promised they will be given fair and proper exam results tomorrow by the government, followed by years of abject poverty and unemployment as the country falls into the worst recession in decades.

With fears growing earlier this week that grades could be downgraded unfairly, millions of students have breathed a huge sigh of relief after the Department of Education announced a ‘triple lock’ system to ensure that students will receive the grades they deserve, but obviously not the job they deserve as there are none left.

A spokesman for the government confirmed, “We can assure all students that the grades they receive will be fair and reasonable to prepare them to enter the workplace, where there are unfortunately no jobs whatsoever for them to apply for, even with straight A’s in all subjects.

“It’s important that we get this right and that the grades reflect the academic level that these students have reached so that thousands of them can apply for the three remaining jobs left in the country delivering shopping for Asda four days a week, though technically on a zero-hours contract.

“Thankfully many A-level students will not need to enter the job market immediately and can proceed to University to continue their education for another 3-4 years, by which time we hope that the economy will have recovered enough to actually give them a slight chance of paid work.”

Asked about the university students graduating this year, and next year, and the year after he told us, “Fuck, we forgot about them.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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