Monday 10 August 2020 by Mark Molloy

Government insists there will be no U-turn on schools reopening, until after everyone has spent £200 on new uniforms

School uniform shopping

The government has insisted today that there will be no backtracking on the decision to fully reopen schools again in September, until just after everyone has forked out about £200 on new school uniforms.

As fears of a second wave of infections continue to rise in the UK, the Prime Minister has assured the nation this week that the current plan to open all schools to full capacity will definitely not be changing, for at least another two or three weeks.

Speaking earlier today, Boris Johnson told reporters, “We have no intention of making a U-turn on our plans to open the schools just yet.

“So we would urge all parents to fully prepare for their children’s return.

“This includes planning with employers, carers and schools, and heading out to the shops to spend hundreds of pounds that they don’t really have on new school uniforms from whichever vendor has secured the lucrative monopoly in your area.

“We can then make our customary U-turn on the decision once everyone has already made their plans and spent their money, just like quarantine rules, face masks and everything else.

“We’d just rather wait until you’ve unnecessarily pumped a few million quid into the economy first, that’s all.”

Asked if parents should maybe hold off from spending money on uniforms and other school-related paraphernalia until closer to the time, he told us “God no, spend spend spend, that’s what I say, I mean Jesus, we really need the tax revenue.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!

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