Sunday 9 August 2020

How to write the perfect profile for the new Covid-sceptic dating website


Covid sceptic dating profile

Finding love on the Internet can be difficult, particularly if you’re the sort of person who thinks 60,000 extra dead people is a lie told by the establishment to curtail our freedoms.  However, help is at hand.

Renowned stag-do organiser Toby Young has lent you his Midas-touch by delving head-first into the dating market and making a section of his Covid-sceptic website available to ‘hot singletons in your area’.

But how can you be sure you’re attracting the right sort of date? How can you get across your personal beliefs in something as short as a dating profile, when your twelve Twitter followers struggle to understand you?

Do not fret, follow our simple guide below and you will have covid-sceptic hotties banging your door down within hours.

  1. Lead with ‘STDs aren’t real’.  Tell them that STD’s have been blown out of all proportion and they are basically just like the flu – everyone gets them.  Reinforce this point by listing the many STDs you’ve had, and how you’re basically fine.  Example phrase: “I’ve had loads of STDs, and they’ve never done me any harm – it’s all a scam to sell johnnies”.
  2. Explain how no-one should be able to tell you what to do, and that includes your partner. You love freedom, and because they’re on the same site they must love freedom too – so just confirm that fact by making sure they know you’ll do whatever you like, whenever you like. Example phrase:  “Don’t ask me to do things just because you like them. I believe that compromising your behaviour for other people is a sign of weakness. I’m not a sheep.”
  3. Refer to facemasks as face-nappies at least three times.  This is a hilarious ‘in-joke’ that shows you are both a Covid-sceptic, and also incredibly funny. Humour is attractive, so three times – minimum. Trust us.
  4. Include “Snowflakes need not apply”.  People with feelings can be a real drag, so if someone is likely to get upset about the things you do, or say, then probably best not to even bother.

Follow these guidelines and you will be swimming in offers from eligible sceptics in no time at all.

You can thank us later.

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