Monday 10 August 2020 Pete Redfern

Thanks to Boris there is plenty of space for asylum seekers in all the recently-vacated care homes, insist experts


Plenty of room in care homes insists Boris

Thanks to Boris Johnson, there is now more than enough room in Britain to house any asylum seekers, experts have today confirmed.

Responding to the ongoing far-right claim that Britain is ‘overcrowded’ and cannot take on another single dinghy of up to a dozen desperate asylum seekers, Home Secretary Priti Patel yesterday appointed a ‘Clandestine Channel Threat Commander’, which sounds like the kind of title Mark Francois would bestow upon himself to make himself feel important during a day trip to Dover.

“We’re not overcrowded, though, not even remotely,” laughed statistician and rational human Simon Williams.

“Even before the pandemic, we had plenty of space for people seeking refuge. Only around six per cent of Great Britain is built on – we’re hardly downtown Manhattan.”

He explained, “What a lot of people don’t realise is that people leave the country as well as come into it. All the European doctors and nurses who went back to their country of birth as they felt unwelcome following the Brexit vote, for a start. And Tommy Robinson, or whatever his name is, is heading to Spain soon, so that’ll free up a bit of space as well.

“And Boris himself has created loads of room for these asylum seekers to stay, by causing around thirty thousand excess deaths in care homes from his abysmal handling of the pandemic.

“So those rooms are going begging, too.”

Asked for comment, Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage responded, “But they are not asylum seekers, they are illegal immigrants.

“How can I tell? Asylum seekers are always white, like my great-great-grandparents were when they came to Britain from Germany penniless and hoping for a better life.

“These ones we see in dinghies aren’t.”

Don’t blame me, I didn’t vote for him – get the T-shirt here!

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