Missing Springwatch? Recreate your favourite moments at home with our handy unsolicited guide that literally no one is asking for

author avatar by 3 years ago

TV viewer of a certain age? Missing Springwatch’s trademark marsh-based amateurism? While the latest series has been put out of its misery faster than an errant fox puppy gambolling into Camilla Parker Bowles’ stable, here’s your handy family guide to recreating the magic at home.

Follow the tips below to enjoy the Springwatch experience live and in person:

  • Undermine your naturalist credentials by striding out in the countryside in a variety of Day-Glo branded outerwear guaranteed to send all wildlife skittering for the nearest hedgerow.
  • Huddle around a campfire / potential badger set / random stump / secluded pond until someone points out this is ecologically unsound / actually a flea-infested rat-warren / cold and boring / angry doggers bottle you out.
  • Awkwardly mispronounce the names of your fellow ‘presenters’ (even if you’re conjoined twins), undermining the rictus-grinned impression you all really get on, socialise, and don’t all bugger off the second your contract allows.
  • Time to fill, and not even a sparrow in sight? Introduce ‘previous season highlights’- blurry photos featuring the back end of the family dog, or those seagulls photobombing your Instagram ‘beach at sunset’ attempt will do.
  • Post wobbly film of fluttering leaves, claiming the viewer missed by a nanosecond the amazing creature that “just flew”, “just fledged”, or “was just eaten by that pine marten; sadly we didn’t get it on film, but the whole crew are still speechless at the majestic display of ferocity.”
  • Co-opt neighbours as ‘guest presenters’; film them burbling inanely almost to the camera about how excited they are to be included, forgetting the exciting card about earwigs you gave them to misread.
  • In a clear case of workplace bullying, relegate the least popular member to all the crap stuff: rummaging elbow-deep in the compost heap for worms, explaining the growth cycle of grass, in-depth analysis of ‘feral’ (next door’s) cat poo.
  • Invite neighbourhood kids to send in photos and pictures of their wildlife spottings, then dream-tramplingly ridicule every one.
  • Brace yourself for an onslaught of explicit fan fiction coupling you in eye-wateringly illegal scenarios with whoever appeared in shot; be that passing milkman, foxy stepdaughter, or recalcitrant hairless mole-rat.

Such simple pleasures should fill the bleak few days till the hastily brought-forward Summerwatch; or as the BBC scrambles to fill the schedules, enjoy RipOffBritainWatch, GrahamNortonWatch and HappyValleyWatch.