Monday 15 June 2020 by Mark Molloy

Massive queues outside Sports Direct stores due to countless rails of tat restricting maximum safe occupancy to one person


Sports Direct queues

Sports Direct has found that filling your store full of racks upon racks of tightly-packed tat means that the number of people able to shop safely while observing social distancing rules is just one.

The purveyor of low-quality tracksuits and white ankle-high sports socks has discovered that at attempts to follow social distancing guidelines means that people must queue for miles down the road for their chance to wander the store alone.

As non-essential stores across the UK opened up today with strict social distancing rules in place, staff in all branches of Sports Direct found that there was simply too much stock all over the floor to even try to keep two meters apart from browsing customers.

Disappointed store manager Simon Williams advised, “We tried our best, we really did.

“But it’s absolute fucking carnage in there as usual. There is just stock everywhere, all over the place, in absolutely no type of order whatsoever. The idea of passing someone at what is considered a ‘safe’ distance these days is laughable.

“Obviously any normal store would have a stock room to put all of this crap into so they can clear the aisles and make room, but we just like to stack the fucking lot everywhere and pretend it’s on sale.

“Why we have suitcases stacked up to the ceiling I really don’t know, no one is going on a sodding holiday this year.

“Anyway, we’re letting people in one at a time and hoping they go straight to what they want then leave again.  But this one guy has been looking at Lonsdale T-shirts for half an hour so far and the queues aren’t getting any smaller.

“I can’t imagine Mike Ashley is going to take kindly to this sort of thing, so we offered him a giant mug just to piss off.”

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