Sunday 24 March 2019

Theresa May on verge of cancelling Brexit after all of her spoons bend


Theresa May's spoons bent by Uri Geller

Theresa May has confided in close colleagues that she is considering revoking Article 50 to stop Brexit after reaching the end of her tether due to all of her spoons bending.

The prime minister has been under pressure from parliamentarians, voters, pressure groups and the EU itself to press pause on Brexit to find a new way forward for the country, but it appears that all it took was some misshapen cutlery.

She told a source, “There is nothing more demoralising than trying to eat soup when the spoon limply falls away from your mouth whenever you get close to taking a mouthful.

“Opinion polls showing me to be the least-popular prime minister in sixty years might make me feel a little low, but it’s nothing compared to being denied your morning cornflakes by an errant spoon.

“Honestly, I’ve had enough, this is the final straw. Which coincidentally I also used to finish my soup.”

Remain campaigners have admitted that her change of heart was not expected by any of them, but that they will take a victory in whatever shape it comes.

People’s Vote campaigner Simon Williams told us, “We’ve been making the case that the referendum was fought on lies, criminality and half-truths, hoping this would be enough for the prime minister to press pause and put it back to a public much better informed three years later.

“But we’ve been rebuffed at every turn. So as you can imagine this has come as something of a surprise – if we’d known this was all it would take we’d have been throwing broken cutlery at her for months.”

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