“Come on then, fuckers!” roars drunken Theresa May at cabinet meeting

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Theresa May has finally snapped and is offering a fist-fight to all in her cabinet who wish her ill.

Following reports of a potential plot by hardline, pro-Brexit Conservative MPs to oust the Prime Minister from her position, the embattled Theresa May has finally had enough of literally everyone’s bullshit, and gave in to a six-pack of special brew this morning.

“Wheresh Jacob Reeeesh-Moggggg,” slurred May, spinning around and accidentally twatting an aide in the face.

“Sershly, you all want a peesh of THISH?! You can… you can come and TRYYYY!”

Mrs May then mounted the cabinet table, singing Land of Hope and Glory while removing her jacket before doing some shadow-boxing that could be generously described as “messy”.

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A government spokesperson said, “Nobody is about to hit a lady.

“We all went to Eton. We will absolutely decimate the poor, but hitting a lady is quite beyond the pale, even for Chris Grayling, who we’d all be quite happy to thump in the teeth, as it happens.”

“She is quite feisty… Philip Hammond suggested the Prime Minister might like to calm down and splash some cold water on her face, to which Theresa replied “Perhapshhh YOU would like to fuck off and die in a…. a DITCHSSHH…

“Then she broke his jaw with an ashtray – I’m not even sure where she got that from. She may have brought it from home.

“Oh God, she’s ripped the leg of a table off and is swinging it around her head… this is election night all over again.”