Easter celebrations begin with traditional moronic outrage about halal chocolate eggs

author avatar by 6 years ago

The Easter holiday has officially begun following the first confirmed sighting of an ignorant burst of contrived anger towards a supermarket, for guaranteeing some of their Easter chocolates could be eaten by Muslims.

The bigoted letter, published in the Express, was welcomed by many racists who then joined in the seasonal barrage of poorly spelled posts in the online comments section.

Simon Williams, a man purporting to defend the UK’s ‘Christian heritage’ yet unable to name a single apostle, was among the first to chime in, about how ensuring a product was available to all customers meant that there was a conspiracy to destroy British culture.

He explained, “Enough is enough! Christ would be spinning in his grave if he knew Waitrose was making halal chocolate rabbits!

“First they came for Santa, then it was the Christmas trees, now it’s oddly shaped confectionary. Our Christian way of life is under attack!”

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The Church was drawn into the debate with the Archbishop of Canterbury meeting journalists to clarify the religious perspective.

“Easter is about contemplating how Christ suffered on the cross for our sins then being awestruck by the miracle of the Resurrection. It is not about chocolate, rabbits or having your children rummage around the garden as a game. The Church of England’s official position on halal Easter chocolates is that we couldn’t give less of a shit.

“However there is a large body of scripture that suggests Jesus was not too enthusiastic about hating complete strangers for something that doesn’t affect you because you’re too lazy or stupid to read up on stuff.

“Not saying you’ll go to Hell if you do but….yeah, you will.”