Vladimir Putin to launch Novi-choc Easter egg range

author avatar by 6 years ago

Vladimir Putin is set to launch the world’s first Easter egg that contains a weapons-grade nerve agent.

The Russian leader has bemoaned the lack of Russian dominance in the chocolate-based egg arena and since the end of the cold war has looked on powerlessly as brands such as Lindt encroached on his borders.

Russian scientists who developed the state-sanctioned eggs claim they are the deadliest ever made and are up to five times more potent than a Cadbury’s Creme Egg – even the new American influenced ones.

And with Easter only a matter of days away, Novi-choc novelty chocs are coming to a high street or hastily-erected decontamination unit near you.

Meanwhile, Theresa May has warned any Russian dissidents planning to celebrate Easter on British soil to stick to marginally less life-threatening domestic brands such as Terry’s Chocolate Orange.

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Russian Nerve Agent Specialist, Sergei Willyamski, said, “Since most Russian chocolate tastes like effluent-infused cardboard, you’ll barely notice the subtle yet relentless notes of organophosphoric growth inhibitors as you peel off the wrapper and place chunks of it in your mouth.

“If by some miracle that doesn’t finish you off, the soft gooey centre containing radioactive isotopes of polonium will certainly do the trick over the next few days.”

He concluded, “We’re hoping to follow this up with VX chocolate buttons, but I have to admit we nicked that idea from Bourneville.”

Labour leader and enthusiastic Easter egg consumer Jeremy Corbyn said, “Let’s just wait and see what the eggs taste like before jumping to any conclusions.”

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