Monday 15 July 2013 by Gary Stanton

Boko Haram targets Gove over plans to educate children

Outlawed Islamist group Boko Haram has slammed Michael Gove’s latest education reforms, insisting the Education Secretary should have his eyes gouged out, it has emerged.

In a 15-minute recording released at the weekend, leader Abubakar Shekau said anybody caught teaching Differential Calculus or Fractions would be targeted by mobile rocket launchers.

Shekau, however, denied reports that his fighters killed children. “Our religion does not permit us to kill smaller children and women, but Geography teachers are fair game” he told us.

‘From now on any attempt to teach the principles of glaciation or oxbow lakes will be met with death, courtesy of fighters high on horse tranquiliser.’

The Boko Haram frontman has also denied any part in the writing of Whiter Shade of Pale.

Boko Haram target Gove

Gove and Shekau have already clashed over the length of school holidays, with the Nigerian saying he would back any plan to extend the summer break to all year round.

Boko Haram favours a narrowing of the current curriculum with double Maths on Monday morning to be replaced by double RE, followed by double RE, with the afternoon session devoted to RE.

Games would also make way for classes in Genital Mutilation, but students may opt out if they can produce a letter claiming they have a dodgy knee.

Last night Shekau played down suggestions that his opposition to any form of education stems from the fact that he’s as thick as pig shit.

‘That Maths exam of mine on Twitter showing a score of 26 per cent is a fabrication of the kuffar whores at North East London Poly and their bankrupt marking policy.’

‘Anyway, I had a lot of time off that year with tonsilitis.’

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