Shaken by weakening market sentiment and fears that Italy’s economy could prove to be the ‘next Greece’, Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has announced an ambitious plan to fill the gaping hole in Italian finances with his tireless thrusting penis.
“People ask how Italy can possibly fill the gaping hole in its finances, given that we are firmly in recession,” he explained to journalists.
“It is simple. We will fill this economic gap with my huge cock. It is no problem. I can stay fully extended for days at a time, I have all the bankers of the world queuing up at my door to be filled with my magnificent potency.”
“At five foot two I am only slightly over average height, and I have the hair of perhaps a 30-year-old, but in penile dimensions my body is a staggeringly powerful thing,” he confirmed.
“This is why I have slept with every woman in Europe. Not because I am a billionaire. This deficit, I will take her and bend her to my will like I took your wife yesterday.”
Berlusconi was quick to address concerns that he might not be suitably qualified to understand the delicate economic situation, saying: “I understand the economy, she is like a beautiful young girl entering the first bloom of womanhood.”
“She must be nurtured, protected, and then bent over and shagged senseless.”
Some Eurozone economists have expressed suspicion that Berlusconi might merely be ‘talking up’ his penis to cover up underlying structural weakness, which, like Italy’s economic output, could be unlikely to expand again this century.
However Angus Renfield from credit rating agency Standard and Poor was philosophical, saying “To be honest, at this stage Berlusconi’s old fellow is about as likely to help Italy as anything else.”