Monday 12 September 2011 by rickwestwell

David Cameron to strengthen ties with Russia by ‘killing dissident with bare hands’

Prime Minister David Cameron is undertaking a short trip to Moscow where he will demonstrate the UK’s willingness to build bridges with Russia by offering to strangle a Chechen dissident.

Putting aside recent unfortunate misunderstandings regarding the radioactive poisoning in London of Kremlin critic Alexander Litvinenko, Cameron has been urged by business leaders to demonstrate that while some differences exist, there are fruitful areas of co-operation in the fields of commerce, technology and murdering critics of government.

“It’s a case of ‘when in Rome’, really,” the Prime Minister explained to journalists on his departure.

“Here in England I wouldn’t dream of strangling a dissident, Chechen or otherwise, but in Russia, if you want to show you mean business, that’s just what you have to do.”

“It’s that or rip his heart out using only my teeth, we haven’t quite decided yet.”

Cameron in Russia

Cameron said Russia was an “important partner” for the UK, especially as America seems to be going down the pan.

Britain is set to rescind its demand for the extradition of the prime suspect in the Litvinenko case, Andrei “Of course I did it” Lugovoi, the former KGB man who has now retired to run his polonium mine in the Urals and tend to his impressive collection of Geiger counters.

According to sources from the Diplomatic Service, the Prime Minister is likely to apologise for ever having suggested that the Russians were “a bunch of savage thugs who might as well have never disbanded the KGB”, and will celebrate the rapprochement by eating an endangered species, possibly a bear.

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