Labour MPs resort to dirty tricks to keep Corbyn out of his seat

Labour MPs have unveiled their latest scheme to unseat Jeremy Corbyn by putting Virgin Trains reserved tickets on the opposition benches at Westminster.

The Parliamentary Party, who fear Corbyn will lead the party to a catastrophic defeat at the next election, plan to prevent him taking a seat in the Commons by making it look like they’re all taken.

Corbyn is expected to walk up and down and up and down the House looking for somewhere he can sit next to John McDonnell before going and plonking himself down in the lobby and reading Private Eye.

The party plan to leave one empty unreserved seat next to Tim Farron, because nobody wants to sit next to him anyway.

“Once Jeremy has given up looking for somewhere to sit down, then Owen Smith can grab the seat five seconds after Prime Ministers Questions have started,” said backbencher Simon Williams.

“The only risk is that SNP MPs are smart enough to know you can sit in a reserved seat if it’s not taken, and might just rush the front bench.

“So we’ve planned against that by asking the House of Commons bar to get in extra Buckfast and Mars Bars.”

If this ruse doesn’t work, senior figures in the Labour Party are considering offering Corbyn a free upgrade to the House of Lords where he can get free coffee and wifi – although George Osborne has eagerly offered to take it if Corbyn doesn’t want it.