GCSEs to be replaced by ‘exams’

The popular GCSE loyalty scheme could soon be replaced by ‘examinations’, according to government sources.

Michael Gove unveiled plans for a radical shake-up of Britain’s schools, suggesting that pupils should leave with a collection of certificates that reflect their abilities in different subjects.

“I propose replacing the current system of ‘schools’ with an organisation that educates, tests and then rates those young people inside”, declared Gove.

“While the current system is an excellent way of storing children and then rewarding them for remaining in captivity, we could use the time to sift through them, in case a useful one has slipped into the net.”

Exam reforms

Gove isn’t sure what benefit children might offer Britain in the future, but he’s adamant that they should have a grounding in arcane subjects, such as ‘maths’ and ‘English’.

“In many cases, a child’s only work experience has been eating crisps and looking sad for Jamie Oliver”, admitted Gove.

“With the right education, those same pupils could instead be sneering at his grammar.”

As part of the restructure, ministers are considering a subtle change in role for Britain’s teachers.

They propose less emphasis on diet, emotional wellbeing, risk assessments, social inclusivity and empathy, and more of a focus on shouting at kids until something sinks in.

While several school leavers have found employment in recent months, Gove thinks it’s unwise for every pupil to plan their future around seducing Simon Cowell with a novelty dog.

“I wouldn’t dream of employing a youngster who hasn’t tried his hardest to succeed at school”, insisted Gove.

“Unless of course, I recognise their tie.”