The British government is poised to announce locations for new ‘looting zones’ throughout England to appease towns and villages which missed out on having their high streets and shopping malls wantonly trashed in last week’s riots.
The entire United Kingdom has today resigned out of collective guilt and embarrassment, as the fallout from the News of the World phone hacking scandal continues.
Brief highlights of Saturday’s hotly anticipated clash in Luton between the English Defence League and Militant Islamists were this weekend consigned to the arse-end of Match of the Day, as programme editors struggled to find any exciting footage of the event.
The world of cyberfacts has been celebrating this week as Wikipedia celebrated its 100th anniversary as an online repository of unchecked statements, worthy-but-dull sentence construction and prime-cut bollocks stated as gospel.
Newcastle United’s Joey Barton is to have goal-line technology fitted to his knuckles for the next three games – to help referees decide whether his manhandling of opposing players has crossed the line.
In the first real test of the coalition Government’s ‘big society’ rhetoric, the British people last night voted to amend the name of the Prime Minister’s new baby from ‘Florence Rose Endellion Cameron’ to ‘Laa Laa Cactus The Lizard Cameron’.
The English Premier League was yesterday thrown into constitutional turmoil as neither Chelsea nor reigning champions Manchester United emerged from the final day of the season with an overall points majority.
Following yesterday’s ban on the ‘legal high’ mephedrone, Britain’s Labour Party has today declared itself illegal as part of an ongoing crackdown on readily-available ‘dangerous governments’.
Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation has bought music and social networking giant MySpace, in a deal that will thrill ideologically challenged indie bands who would sell their grandmother to Satan in return for an industrial-sized fan base.
The Millennium Bug, humiliated by its pathetic failure yesterday to cause the downfall of western civilisation by buggering all computer systems, everywhere, forever, is now cowering sheepishly behind a skirting board in Hampshire, pondering its next move.
Sunderland boss Steve Bruce has angrily dropped star striker Darren Bent for the foreseeable future – after the burly frontman missed “probably the easiest pot he’ll have all season” in Saturday’s dramatic encounter with 18-times Snooker Champions Liverpool.
The UK’s Government and Opposition have both been threatened with prosecution for allegedly engaging in a “mutually beneficial” electorate-sitting arrangement for the last hundred years.
Michael Moore-inspired documentary film-makers the world over have been left “devastated” and “heartbroken” by yesterday’s tragic and anti-climactic acquittal of two British schoolboys in what has been dubbed the ‘Columbine copycat’ trial.
Portsmouth are to be controversially released from the Premier League eight months early on compassionate grounds after losing all their games, all their decent players, and all their hope and dignity for the season.
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