Michael Moore-inspired documentary film-makers the world over have been left “devastated” and “heartbroken” by yesterday’s tragic and anti-climactic acquittal of two British schoolboys in what has been dubbed the ‘Columbine copycat’ trial.
Matthew Swift, 18, and Ross McKnight, 16, were found not guilty of conspiring to blow up Audenshaw High School after evidence showed they had no actual guns or explosives, or the means to acquire them.
The prosecution claimed they planned to shoot dead fellow pupils and teachers before turning the guns on themselves after reading of their ‘plans’ in notebooks.
“If you ignore all the ‘Man Utd is gay’ and ‘I really love Katy Watkins’ stuff – and all the GCSE revision in there – then those notebooks contained was some pretty damning cartoons and diagrams. Honest.”
However, the acquittal has caused aspiring political journalists with video cameras to howl in grief and reassess their career options.
“You cannot imagine the depths of my sorrow,” said one rookie docu-hack too distressed to be named.
“I was onto these guys before the story broke,” he continued.
” ‘Bowling For Audenshaw’ was going to be my entree into the cut-throat world of documentary film-making,” said the overzealous celluloid predator, who cites Michael Moore’s ‘Bowling For Columbine’ documentary as a major creative influence.
“When these dudes were busted I was kinda miffed. But then I thought: hey! If they go down, this could be even better!”
“Two college kids go to jail, blow up the jail, massacre the convicts and the screws…et voila! ‘Bowling For Strangeways’!”
“But no, they just turn out to be friggin’ fantasists who don’t even possess any friggin’ firearms or explosives! Jeez, man! You Brits are pussies!”
“I am devastated. I am heartbroken. My fledgling career is over.”
“I just hope this won’t ruin my chances of getting into film school,” the vulture-like tragedy junkie concluded, with trembling lower lip.