Nickelodeon confirms Spongebob is a chemsex-loving leather bear

After the predictable backlash by far-right malcontents regarding a tweet showing Spongebob wearing pride colours, Nickelodeon decided to double down and explain that the famously square-panted cook was a renowned size queen who would blow for snow.

Nickelodeon’s head of media relations, Simone Williams, said that it was time to bring the character out of the closet and that no one would tiptoe around the fact Spongebob has a complex love life that involves mixing lube and benzocaine gel.

“As a maker of a world-famous children’s show, we had always hoped to keep the relationships of Bikini Bottom completely platonic but we’ve had to put up with over a decade of tragic culture warriors whining because he’s not getting married.

“We’ve had enough and decided that if we’re not allowed to stay above the bullshit then we’re going to pick a side and annoy the fuck out of sanctimonious bible thumpers.

“So yes, Spongebob celebrates pride and is an unashamed gay sponge who sees Grindr as something to finish.

“He is a kind soul who, after he finishes his shift at the Krusty Krab, smokes 2 pipes of ice and tells everyone in the bathhouse he’ll be their no-limits pain pig as long as Patrick gets to watch.”

Ms Williams confirmed that, as long as arseholes on social media go on a hate-binge because Spongebob wears rainbow pants during pride and tells LGBTQ children that they are normal, then Nickelodeon would keep revealing details of its character’s sex lives.

“We get one more tweet about Sandy Cheeks being ‘too much’ of a tomboy then we’ll announce she’s a pansexual femslash writer who bakes vulva-shaped cupcakes as a side job.”