Home Alone remake to feature 38-year-old Macaulay Culkin going to jail for GBH

Following Disney’s purchase of 20th Century Fox, the proposed Home Alone remake features a 38-year-old Kevin McAllister getting put in prison for a series of serious physical assaults on a couple of vulnerable pensioners.

Uberfan Simon Williams, said, “At least they’re not ruining the memory of the original. You know, like they did with Home Alones 2,3, 4 and 5.

“I’m actually looking forward to this remake. We all laughed at the time, but that was in the days before political correctness and you couldn’t get sued into bankruptcy for having an unsafe conservatory if a burglar fell through your roof.

“However, when you watch it back – especially the second one – you realise Macaulay Culkin is an absolute fucking nutcase who is in desperate need of some Health & Safety training.

“I blame board games. There weren’t the video games of today upon which to blame his behaviour, so it must be from hours and hours of Mousetrap that made him think it was okay to swing cans of paint down from the landing and hit people in the face with an iron.

“I relieved that this remake will finally see Kevin getting his comeuppance by receiving a long and deserved jail sentence in a supermax prison for innumerable, persistent violent crimes.”