I will bravely face down the EU, says man too scared to talk to journalists

Boris Johnson, a Tory leadership candidate that has so far refused to do any interviews, has tried to assure the public that his moral cowardice and pig ignorance of diplomatic reality will not matter once he’s the prime minister.

Simon Williams, Communications Director for the Johnson campaign, was keen to explain that dealing with the world’s most seasoned negotiators was much easier than talking to Kay Burley.

He went on, “Barnier is just as impressed as any red-faced Tory party member by someone who speaks like the comedic relief drunkard cousin in an episode of Downton Abbey.

“So naturally, the EU will give someone they utterly loathe all he wants despite not doing so for Theresa May, a woman for whom they had genuine sympathy.”

Mr Williams denied that the real reason Boris Johnson was scared of public interviews is that he is a short-tempered imbecile who hides a lack of depth with Latin quotes.

“Nonsense! Next you’ll be suggesting that his clownish bumbling is a calculated act designed to give him cover as an eccentric toff when a journalist pins him down over the utterly abject way he behaves in both his professional and personal life.

“Maybe you’ll even sink so low as to highlight how none of his siblings speaks in the same way he does.

“The public doesn’t want to know about his past or see him defend his brilliant idea to give his rich mates a tax cut. People just need to remember how funny he was on HIGNFY. Or that zipline picture. That alone got him a free pass on a decade of misdeeds.

“Boris might not be the leader we need, but he’s the leader this country deserves.”

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