Dominic Raab admits to trying value-brand cola on four separate occasions

author avatar by 5 years ago

The Conservative leadership contest continues to yield shocking stories of substance abuse.

After Michael Gove admitted to using cocaine, Andrea Leadsom admitted to using cannabis and Boris Johnson admitted using a bus to lie to the British people, Dominic Raab has now come forward with his own humbling story of a life led astray.

“Happy shopper cola, Tesco blue stripe and whatever Safeway sold,” confirmed the Tory robot.

“I was under pressure from friends to abandon my principled stance on value brand soft drinks – namely that they are for poor people at birthday parties – and sadly I have into peer pressure.

“I sampled the inferior cola on four separate occasions. Once behind the limousine sheds at school, once at Tarquin’s 16th birthday party at Chequers, once at a fox hunt that had turned sour, and once at a crack den when I was thirsty after having consumed some crack.

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”Oh yeah, I also did crack. But who hasn’t?”