Transport Minister Chris Grayling has revealed his own tragically incompetent dalliance with hardcore drugs.
The transport secretary, renowned for his excellent judgement and decision-making ability, said he had been tempted to try ‘the charlies’ after hearing about it at a party in the late 1980s.
“So I asked around for how one should best approach the acquisition of a charlie, and these helpful fellows outside the pub pointed me in the direction of a gentleman who assured me he had all the required expertise to get me precisely what I was asking for.
“Of course, I had little choice but to pay him the amount that he asked for, because that’s what you do when someone tells you they can give you what you want. I wasn’t going to ask for references, or conduct due diligence – why would I not believe him? What does society become if we can’t trust our fellow man with all of our money?”
Grayling went on to describe what happened after the transaction.
He explained, “The gentleman came back a few moments later and handed me a paper small packet and assured me I was getting exactly what I paid for. I was delighted, as you can imagine. Even this early in my career it was rare that I completed a transaction as effortlessly as this one.
“But yes, it turns out it was actually just a gram of Johnson’s Baby powder, and I had massively overpaid. Of course, I just assumed that’s what Charlie was, and that everyone was getting off their tits on powdered astringent.
“I spent the next five years telling new parents to try using Charlie on their baby’s bottoms.”