Labour pledge to make semites as welcome as antisemites

Labour has sought to draw a line under recent claims of antisemitism by pledging to make Semites, particularly Jews, as welcome in the party as antisemites are.

Over the past year, the party has been dogged by accusations of antisemitism, for no other reason than lots of cases of antisemitism, and has now sought to address the issue once and for all.

“I want to make it clear that all Semitic peoples are welcome within the Labour party,” said leader Jeremy Corbyn.

“We want to them feel as at home in this party as the antisemites do.

“We are a broad church and thrive through many conflicting viewpoints and ideologies, and I would love to see as large a group of Jewish people among our members as we have anti-Jewish people.

“Provided they don’t support the concept of Israel or any sort of Jewish ancestral homeland, obviously.

“I hope that, one day, when we have as many Jews in the party as we do antisemites, we could possibly have big game of football between the two groups in order to settle, once and for all, who is best.”

Mr Corbyn has long resisted calls to expel antisemites from the party because he quite likes them, so by attempting to make Jewish people as welcome as he does antisemites, he hopes to achieve a happy compromise in his never-ending quest for peace among all people.

However, Labour antisemites are currently too busy sending anonymous abuse to Dame Margaret Hodge to comment on the plans.

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