Friday 27 July 2018 by Sarah Davies

Heatwave causes woman to leave ‘Emergency Cardigan’ at home for first time in 25 years

woman leaves emergency cardigan at home

As temperatures across the UK rocketed to those that most other countries cope with just fine, Faversham resident Sandra Williams made the shocking decision to simply abandon her knitwear on one arm of her sofa.

Williams explained the move was difficult, but that ultimately, the cardigan that had accompanied her everywhere since adulthood could safely be left behind.

“I looked out across the arid landscape of what was once Faversham Market Square, and was reminded of that scene from ‘Mad Max’ where they’re driving through a desert,” she told us, re-living the event next to a fan pushing 110-degree heat directly into her soul.

“So I decided to break with a lifetime of tradition just let my cardigan drop right where it was, and go out anyway – without it.”

Sandra’s decision did not go unnoticed by the wider public; Keith Jones, 51, commented that “we saw Sandra keep trying to leave her house. You could tell she was torn about whether leaving the cardigan was a good idea or not, even though it’s 34 degrees out and hasn’t rained in weeks.

“My wife said ‘she’s not got her cardie tied to her bag. She’ll regret that later’ and we both shook our heads judgementally.

“The worst thing about all of this heat is that we had to take the duvet itself out of its cover,” whispered Keith, horrified.

“We’re sleeping in JUST A COVER. I blame Brexit.”

Sales of cardigans are expected to fall to an average of only three per week per person, until the end of the UK summer apocalypse is heralded by the expected plague of locusts.

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