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People who’ve lost their appetite in the hot weather will be in a better position to cope with the impending post-Brexit world of no food.
A statement from the Department of Health said, “Given that conditions after Brexit are expected to be a bit ‘starvy’ we are advising the public to shrink their stomachs now, ahead of time, if at all possible.
“So while you should continue to drink plenty of water during this heatwave, it would probably best if you took full advantage of the appetite suppressing effect of the high temperatures to get used to not eating very much at all.
“If you don’t, then your body might get a little shock to the system when you’re having to hunt skinny cats and snack on spiders dipped in cuckoo spit.”
British resident Simon Williams is typical of many. He told us, “I just can’t eat in this weather. For the last three nights, I’ve had nothing more than a bowl of Special K for dinner.
“Between that and the constant sweating, the weight is dropping off.”
The thought of a country having to live off Special K is appalling. It conjures terrifying images of an apocalyptic world where high profile Brexiters such as Johnson, Rees-Mogg and Farage frolic on Britain’s corpse-strewn beaches wearing red silk dresses.
Perhaps that was their plan all along.
Perhaps when they talk of being ‘free’ what they really mean is the freedom to be themselves far away from the judgemental eyes of a cohesive, well-fed society.
