L.K. Bennett fingerprints its customers, affirms Amber Rudd

The Home Secretary has declared that registration for EU nationals after Brexit would be as easy as joining a shopping website that requires a passport scan, fingerprints, two proofs of address and countersigned photos just to buy a handbag.

Simon Williams, Amber Rudd’s press secretary, confirmed that the Home Office registration system would be as easy to use as any normal run-of-the-mill commercial website.

“It will be the simplest thing in the world. Just go online, scan and submit three forms of photo ID, print out the form, fill in the 76 pages, go to the police station to get fingerprinted, have the form witnessed by a professional person who has known you for five years, get it notarized and send it to an outsourced processing centre. And Bob’s your uncle; you’ll have permanent residency in a few short months.

“Unless you use blue ink or you write outside the squares. Then the system will flag you up. But nothing bad has ever happened to anyone who came up on our radar as a potential illegal immigrant so that’s not a problem.”

Mr Williams did show some irritation at the notion that Ms Rudd’s chosen metaphor betrayed how distant she was from ordinary people, for whom the products offered by L.K. Bennett are out of reach.

“That’s childish gotcha journalism and it’s also a sad indictment of our obsession with class.

“She could just as easily have said that registration would be as simple as programming the entertainment system on the Jag or signing the kids up for Harrow’s annual Duke of Edinburgh Award trip to Patagonia.”

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