Virgin Trains passengers no longer able to wipe their arses on the Daily Mail

Virgin Trains has announced it will no longer supply a free copy of the Daily Mail in any of its lavatories.

The rail company, which serves up expensive shit on a daily basis, now insists the popular fascist tabloid has a value system incompatible with its own.

Instead, customers will be offered a choice of The Mirror and The Times, which have better cartoons and are up to three times more absorbent.

The decision marks a new low for the paper, which has only just come to terms with Prince Harry marrying a mixed-race American girl.

Virgin boss, Richard Branson, said, “We received a complaint that a passenger’s ringpiece was exposed to virulent Brexit propaganda while waiting at engineering works near Rugby.

“By ditching The Daily Mail, we hope to halve the journey from arsehole to toilet to less than five minutes.”

Raging right-wing simpletons have predictably claimed the move is an attack on ‘free speech’ – however, Virgin have gone to great lengths to insist customers are free to bring their own copy of the Daily Mail onto their trains.

A spokesperson explained, “We know that many of our passengers enjoy smearing a massive arse-trout into a copy of the Daily Mail, and rest assure they will always be welcome to do precisely that on our trains – it’s just they’ll have to provide their own copy of the Daily Mail from now on.”

Meanwhile, The Daily Mail hit back accusing Virgil Rail of being ‘enemies of the faeces’.

Branson added, “This has nothing to do with Brexit, but everything to do with the fact that the paper is owned by a cunt, written by cunts and read by cunts.”