Britain would immediately spiral into a nightmarish dystopia straight out of Mad Max if Waitrose were to stop its daily free coffee offer, it has emerged.
“In a country where wealth inequality is at its highest levels since the 1930s and a whole generation has no hope of ever owning their own homes, making it affordable for the great unwashed to sit alongside their betters in Waitrose cafes is a rare slice of social mobility,” said Simon Williams, Emeritus Professor of Retail Freebies at Basingstoke University.
The posh supermarket’s move has been controversial with some of its long-standing customers because some of the hoi-polloi’s cars are so small they can fit in the gaps between the BMWs parked over two spaces, and many of them loudly order lattes with two sugars.
“Waitrose tried to compromise by making you buy something first,” said Professor Williams.
“But it didn’t really work, because even the average Brexiter can work out that buying a 25p banana to get a free coffee is a really good deal.
“At the same time, these people are proving stubbornly resistant to organic quinces at £1.80 a pop, which is why I am convinced Waitrose could pull the plug on this any day.”
Nigel Walker, a moron with a MyWaitrose card, said, “I like annoying educated, well-off people, which is why I voted Leave and sit around the Great Malvern branch in my joggers having a latte with two sugars.
“If I’m deprived of that last little pleasure in life, there’ll be bloodshed, I’m warning you.”