‘He shouldn’t have been bearing arms’ says country obsessed with right to bear arms

The US government have criticised a man for having a concealed weapon today, despite constantly banging on about how everyone should have the right to bear arms.

The Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem has condemned Alex Pretti, who was killed by federal agents this weekend, for carrying a handgun for which he had a legal permit to carry, leading to a very confusing set of mixed messages from the DHS boss. 

“People shouldn’t have guns,” said multiple-gun owner Kristi Noem.

“It’s not right that ordinary people should be able to carry weapons around on their person when government officers are trying to snatch people off the street. It’s dangerous, reckless and completely uncalled for. They should be banned forever. 

“Having said that, if anyone tries to take my guns away I will go absolutely nuts. Like ‘five-year-old kid having a tantrum in the toy store’ level of nuts. I will scream, shout and have red-faced, eye-popping hissy fits about the violation of my personal liberties. But as I said before, no one should have a gun when it’s inconvenient to me personally.

“Honestly, I don’t think my message could be clearer. GUNS ARE BAD. Wait, no. Guns are good? Man, this is getting really confusing. Alright, let me put it this way. You SHOULD be allowed to carry a gun, but ONLY if you support the Trump administration and everything we’re currently doing.

“Phew. For a second there I thought I was contradicting myself.”

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