Storm Floris leads to record toupée losses
by Nathan Cowley 1 year ago 
Thousands have been left bald today after strong gusts from Storm Floris blew away toupees all over the country.
The storm has left 43,000 homes without power and forced the closure of most of Scotland’s major bridges, however police say it’s the hairless who have been the most affected.
“I chased it for about half a mile before eventually giving up,” said toupée victim Simon Williams.
“It’s really quite distressing losing a hairpiece. There was no warning at all. This huge gust just came out of nowhere. I went from John Krasinski to John Malkovich in a matter of seconds.
“Don’t even get me started on how much the toupee set me back. It wasn’t just any old piece of hair. It was a top quality rug. We’re talking Elton John prices here. My wife is going to kill me. She told me to get the insurance on it, but would I listen?
“It’s just comforting to know I’m not the only one suffering. Michael Fabricant called me up in tears. At least we have each other to get through it. John Travolta has even set up a GoFundMe for everyone affected.
“I knew I should’ve put an AirTag on it. Fucking idiot.”
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