New Toby Carvery mysteriously appears next to Sycamore Gap stump
by Nathan Cowley 2 years ago 
Visitors to Hadrian’s Wall were shocked today after discovering that a brand new Toby Carvery had mysteriously appeared next to the stump of the Sycamore Gap.
Two men have been charged in connection with the tree’s felling in 2023, though police have now turned their attentions to the famous carvery chain.
“I knew everyone would make a big deal about my nickname,” said Simon ‘Chopper’ Williams, manager of the new Toby Carvery.
“Just because we cut down that 500-year-old oak tree in Enfield doesn’t mean we’re responsible for every tree felling that’s ever happened.
“I know police found traces of gravy at the scene, but that could’ve been anyone’s. Oh, and I guess it’s a crime to apply for planning permission the night before the Sycamore Gap came down? Just listen to how paranoid you sound.
“Great, so you have a picture of me holding a chainsaw next to the tree. Can a guy not walk around with a chainsaw at 3am? Urine samples don’t prove anything, either. Loads of people have a slash up a tree. It hardly proves I did it.
“I’m not sweating! You’re sweating! I hate to disappoint you, but I’m perfectly dry. You’re dealing with Prince Andrew 2.0 here, mate.
“You know, without all the nonce stuff.”
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