Water firms announce new plans to dump sewage through your letterbox

Water firms have announced plans to try and limit dumping sewage into rivers by just dumping it straight through people’s letterboxes instead.

“I mean, no one other than communists and homosexuals really has a problem with filling up the country’s rivers with sewage,” explained Jeremy Bastard, a leading figure in British water processing.

“But we do have to accept the fact that, if we keep going on like we are, within a few years, rivers will be absolutely full to the brim with piss and shit and we’re going to have to find somewhere else to put it all, otherwise we’ll end up having to process it and that could really eat into our profits.”

Mr Bastard went on to reveal a new plumbing system the industry has developed that will collect waste water whenever a household toilet is flushed and, using a series of pipes and pumps, route it round it the front of the house and deposit everything through the letterbox on to the door mat.

“We’re really pleased with this new system,” he continued.

“It’s really pushing the envelope of not-processing sewage tech, and it can be installed in most homes in the country for the low low cost of a surprisingly high cost. Billable entirely to the householder, obviously.”

It is thought that this new tech is merely a stopgap until water companies simply insist people stop creating any further sewage by issuing households with a number of corks and clothes pegs.