Putin conscripts to be down-skilled to the required level of Russian military ineptitude

Failing dictator Vladimir Putin has promised to down-skill newly mobilised Russian military reservists to the level required for Russian military incompetence.

Reservist, Cymon Williamski, said, “As a reservist for the Russian Federation’s military, I have kept myself trained to the level I thought was required in case of a call-up such as this one.

“However, it turns out I am way overqualified for this particular Army. I mean, I have some equipment I bought from Army and Navy Stores on a visit to the UK in 1983, and it’s about 30 years ahead of anything we have here.

“I will, of course, be required to downgrade all this equipment. It would be unfair of me to have boots in the trenches whilst my comrades in there continue to wear their Sunday shoes.

“I will also be required to forget at least 85% of any military training I have managed to pick up since the mid-nineties. However, once I’ve done that, I will be at the requisite level to make General.

“And, of course, the best way to ensure Russia enacts Comrade Putin’s long-term plan, is to die on the frontline like many of his other Generals.”

Putin’s new orders include reservists wearing their shoes back-to-front in order to make running away more efficient.

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