Keir Starmer tells baffled therapist about recurrent dream of him missing a penalty despite total absence of a goalkeeper

Soon to be struck off Westminster-based therapist, Simon Williams, has accidentally confided that the Labour leader regularly dreams of failing to score an open goal, despite the odds being overwhelming in his favour to do so. 

“It’s a real head-scratcher,” explained Williams after one too many drinks at the local bar.

“In this dream he keeps having, the opposing team routinely performe terribly and present him with numerous golden opportunities to score, week after week, and yet he somehow fails to capitalise each and every time.

“All on this imaginary football pitch, obviously.” 

When Williams asked if this could possibly relate to his work, Starmer replied, “I don’t think so, I recently rebuked several MPs for showing solidarity with strikers and unions which is what the grassroots supporters would expect of the Labour party.

“Also, when the banker’s bonus cap was lifted this week the gloves were off and I said it was ‘pro-rich’ so… Stand back Nellie, I think those verbal fireworks really captured the mood of nation.”

Still struggling to piece the meaning of Starmer’s dreams together, Williams added, “What a week… I had Liz Truss in here yesterday and she told me about a dream where she was trying to put together a few after-work drinks at the Boddington’s bottling plant, but there was some issue with the paperwork, and in the end, the logistics were too challenging and she just couldn’t get the event arranged on short notice.”

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