“What if Ukraine’s song is a bit shit though?” ask nervous Eurovision voters

Ukraine are going to win the Eurovision Song Contest this year, obviously and rightly so, but what if their song is really really shit? Do we still have to give it a twelve?

With every country in Europe ready to give a twelve to our besieged European neighbours in tonight’s Eurovision final, judges and voters across Europe are hoping and praying that the song performed by Ukraine isn’t absolutely shite, or that they totally fuck it up.

Eurovision super fan Steven Lee from Manchester confirmed, “Nailed on twelve for Ukraine definitely, and I’ve not even heard the song.

“Obviously if it is absolutely shite and I hate the artist performing it then that makes things a little bit more difficult, because I like to take this thing seriously.

“Or if they totally fuck up the performance and fall on their arses whilst completely forgetting the words with the music out of tune, I might have to drop it to a ten.

“But then I’ll feel awful with the year they’ve had, they definitely deserve to win, to bring some much needed joy to the besieged nation.”

Asked to watch a video of the performance from the Semi finals and comment we were told, “Oh for fuck’s sake. Could they still win if I give them a six? A generous six at that!”