Saturday 14 May 2022

‘Working from home doesn’t work’, insists man facing gruelling 25-second commute to his office


Boris Johnson working from home

Boris Johnson has insisted that working from home doesn’t work, and that if he can spend 30 seconds getting to the office every day, then you should be happy spending three hours on trains to do the same.

As the Tories come under increasing pressure from wealthy donors with significant investments in commercial property portfolios that are looking less and less valuable, the latest push to get people back to the office comes from a man who doesn’t even have to go outside to get to his.

The prime minister told whichever friendly newspaper agreed not to ask about anything else, “Working from home doesn’t work, and if you ignore all the evidence that suggests that it does, then you’ll see that I am right.

“There is a reason that the phrase work-life balance puts the ‘work’ bit at the front. It’s to ensure it balances as well as a see-saw with Wilfred at one end and me on the other.

“As with so many of our more popular policies, this one doesn’t affect me personally in any way whatsoever, so we’re pushing ahead with it while telling you it’s good for you.”

In a surprise move, the Prime Minister chose to highlight his own inability to focus on work at home by way of examples such as repeated visits to his fridge instead of getting on with the job.

Voter Simon Williams told us, “Learning that Boris Johnson can’t concentrate on work when he knows there is something nice to eat in kitchen is just about the least surprising political revelation we’ve had this year.

“The fact that he’s happy to admit he can’t lead the country properly if there is a block of cheese in the next room must come as great comfort to those struggling to deal with the cost of living crisis.

“First he was ambushed by cake, now he’s distracted by cheese – what will be next? Seduced by bread?”

Mr Bullshit – get the best-selling Boris Mug here!

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