Geppetto’s worst mistake, nose candy enthusiast and Secretary of State Michael Gove has taken the bold step of undertaking a 1970s seaside comedy routine to distract from the Government’s many, many failings.
In an interview Gove told viewers, “Yes, the Government said they were all about supporting Ukrainian refugees whilst only taking in a fraction of the number that comparable countries do, but it’s only because they don’t want to fly here! Because airline food! Have you tried airline food? I don’t beeeeeeeeeeelieeeeevvvveee it!
“From that show? With the tortoise? Remember?”
Mr Gove appeared on a variety of Breakfast Television shows to perform his inexplicable “tight five” to an array of bewildered and disguised morning presenters.
Of particular offence was when he lapsed into a Scouse accent to tell the public to “Calm down, calm down!” This has led pundits to wonder if this was a spectacular Dead Cat, given that Liverpool rightly hates and despises the Tory party or if Gove is just an utter twat.
“You’ve got to hand it to him,” said political commentator and mannequin specialist Simon Williams, “the performance is so shudderingly bad that no one could actually take in the words that he was saying.
“I’m pretty sure he contradicted himself in the same sentence but as soon as his stupid face started gurning all I could hear was the screaming of the damned.”
However the success of this – lets call it a ‘plan’ – has led to concerns of escalation.
“Blackface.” Said a harrowed Williams, “We all know it’s coming. He’ll disappear beneath the desk and pop up in a Rastafarian wig and shoe-polish face telling us to ‘Chill, Winston. Have a bit o’puff.’ before pulling out a comically large spiff. I use the word comically advisedly here.
“Just… just prepare yourselves, okay?”
Michael Gove meantime was ecstatic about actually being talked about again and has been frantically scrabbling for new material when he’s once again unleashed on a weary public.
“Did you hear the one about the lad who was adopted by a loving couple and went on to become a Conservative Front bencher in a direct fuck-you to all their values? Wait that’s me isn’t it? Hold on, hold on…
“Ummm, so Priti Patel comes upon a badly hurt refugee. Zips up and leaves.
“Ooops, that’s my blue set!”