Saturday 14 May 2022 by Chris Ballard

Queen to just do fun stuff from now on


Queen just to do fun stuff from now on

Her Majesty will start sending Charles to do all the boring shit like meeting the prime minister because she just can’t be fucked anymore.

Take a moment to imagine being the Queen. Life would probably be harder than you think. 

No, you’d never have to worry about the gas bill or explain to your children why Santa ignored most of their Christmas list. 

You wouldn’t have to work or worry about accessing decent healthcare.

But – you’d also have to chat to Boris Johnson for twenty minutes every single week. Not so keen to swap now, are you?

So it’s hardly surprising that Her Majesty is stepping back from the parts of her role which she refers to as ‘the tedious crap’.

“I was supposed to be meeting some ambassador or other this afternoon,” said Elizabeth II. “Fuck that, the weather’s nice – I’m off to Chessington World of Adventures.

“The Vampire ride should provide the sort of heart-in-mouth moment I haven’t experienced since Philip last spoke to a person of colour. How I miss that adrenaline rush…

“And tomorrow I’ve signed up to take part in a five-a-side football tournament. I’ve always fancied having a bash since I knighted Geoff Hurst – I just didn’t think it would be proper to say anything.

“Well I’ve now realised that I’m the fucking Queen and I want to have some fucking fun!

“So if you need something read out or want a comment on the state of the nation, talk to Charles – he actually gives a shit.

“Now then, one fancies giving hard drugs a whirl, where’s the best place to start?

“I’ll ask Andrew, he’ll probably know…”

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