Matt Hancock falls on his pork sword

After being filmed pulling someone who isn’t his wife close to him and up against his urgent little fleshpipe, Matt Hancock has done the honourable thing and offered his resignation.

Footage was released by The Sun yesterday – proving the rag can be useful occasionally – showing the Rt dishonourable gentleman running his hands all over an aide, causing lasting corneal damage to millions across the land, and which despite having the support of the Prime Minister, led to the Health Secretary’s resignation.

Political commentator Eleanor Gay explained, “Boris Johnson was evidently quite happy for there to have been evidence of the affair splashed across the internet and papers today – maybe he was just relieved that Matt Hancock was occupied with getting his leg over his mistress and not screwing up the NHS – but it was inevitable that he would have to fall on his, er, surprisingly overactive pork sword.

“It certainly explains why he claimed thousands of pounds worth of condoms on expenses, and why Boris Johnson kept giving him knowing winks.

“I’m sure Matt’s ability to conduct a covert affair on company time was one of the very few things Boris respected about him.”

Conservative spokesperson Sir Simon Williamsby-Toffer defended the resignation saying, “Although we are sad to see Matt go, we’re sure he’ll be happy to have a bit more time for, you know, other interests.

“Wrecking your own marriage and someone else’s can be quite time consuming, after all.”

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