Matt Hancock resigns to spend more time with someone else’s family

The Health Secretary has resigned.

Matt Hancock’s record as Health Secretary has variously been described as “wobbly”, “useless” and “fucking useless”, often by the same people.

However, it was his dalliance with a married aide that would prove his undoing.

“I will be resigning to spend more time with the wife,” confirmed Hancock.

“Whether that’s my wife, or someone else’s, depends on who is the most proximate at the time – and indeed the most receptive. My actual wife has me on the sofa at the moment, and not in the good way.

“I would like to apologise for the hurt and embarrassment I have caused to everyone. And I literally mean everyone; from my wife, to other people’s wives, to the Prime Minister, and to everyone who had to wake up to the sight of me playing grab-arse on Friday morning.”

A spokesperson for Downing Street said, “We have accepted Mr Hancock’s resignation, and we wish him all the best as he takes some much needed time with a wife of his choice.”

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