Saturday 26 June 2021 by Chris Ballard

‘Breaking social distancing guidelines’ the new ‘Netflix and chill’


Matt Hancock Netflix and Chill

The way Matt Hancock reframed his affair so it became a breach of Covid regulations has given the world its latest euphemism for sex.

The Health Secretary has apologised for breaching social distancing guidelines after, like, totally getting off with a girl in his office.

The phrase has quickly replaced ‘Netflix and Chill’ as the zeitgeist’s choice euphemism for physical intimacy.

However, Hancock isn’t the only Tory to provide a novel way of referring to matters of the loins. Here are some of the others:

Boris Johnson: Granting public monies

An alternative phrase for the money shot. Derives from the PM’s reputation for indiscriminately granting public monies all over the place.

Priti Patel: Bullying your civil servant

A slightly distasteful euphemism for rigorous masturbation, although probably not as distasteful as actual workplace bullying.

Chris Grayling: His ferry company’s got no ferries

Male infertility and impotence are sensitive issues and definitely no laughing matter. This handy phrase allows you to discuss these issues respectfully and without embarrassment.

Michael Gove: People have had enough of experts

Sometimes it’s just not happening and you need to find a polite way of asking your partner to roll off so you can go to sleep. This short sentence is the perfect answer – your loved one won’t protest because they’re now thinking about Gove and their genitals are attempting to retract into their pelvis.

Boris (again): £350m a week

The promise of riches to come, the teasing, the foreplay, the premature ejaculation, the crushing regret and the disappointment that follows – that.

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