Reform announce plans to give everybody a million pounds and a pony

Reform UK has unveiled a landmark new policy promise to give every single British citizen £1,000,000 in cash and a shiny white pony, in a move experts say is confirmation they have completely given up on the concept of mathematics.

The populist party, usually known for repeating the exact same four-word phrase about small boats on an infinite loop, confirmed that the policy would be fully funded, totally effortless, and definitely implemented on day one.

Party economic spokesman Robert Jenrick said, “For years, the mainstream media claimed we only ever talked about stopping the boats. Well, look at us now. We’re talking about giving you a million quid and a majestic little horse called Barnaby. Checkmate, Westminster elite.

“How are we going to pay for 70 million people getting a tax-free million and a high-end equine companion? It’s simple economics. We’re scrapping Net Zero, which instantly unlocks roughly four trillion pounds of hidden money that woke civil servants were hiding under a giant solar panel.

“The rest will be topped up by generous donations from a shadowy coalition of tax-haven-based crypto billionaires who just really love the British working class and expect absolutely nothing in return.”

When pressed on whether printing £70 trillion might cause a slight uptick in inflation, or where urban flat-dwellers would keep several million manure-producing quadrupeds, Reform dismissed the questions as “anti-British doom-mongering.”

Jenrick added, “If you live on the twelfth floor of a high-rise in Croydon, that pony will just have to learn to use the lift. Stop letting Metropolitan experts control your lifestyle.”

Voter Simon Williams, 52, said, “At first I was skeptical about their economic credibility, but then I realised I really want a million pounds and a pony.

“It’s just common sense.”